I'm afraid I have been a little quiet lately, well for a few months actually, and it's because I have been battling with a flare up of anxiety. Since a child, I have struggled with bouts of crippling fear. I have had two rounds of CBT, two different courses with hypnotists and counselling. I am now on a list awaiting another course of counselling although I do think I'm getting closer to the light at the end of the tunnel without it.
My personal demons include emetophobia, health anxiety and GAD (General Anxiety Disorder). Living as a single parent with a daughter who is 9 going on 19, we have had frequent turbulance in our usually calm lives lately.
Since last year, my daughter seems to express her excitement or nerves through vomiting. She doesn't do it on purpose, it just seems that every time my daughter is excited, she throws up. It happened last year when I surprised her with a bedroom makeover. She absolutely loved it, but four hours after the initial surprise, she threw up and ended up sleeping in my bed instead of her new room. On Christmas Day, she threw up an hour before lunch was served. On World Book Day, she threw up ten minutes after putting her costume on. During the half term holidays, we were getting ready for a day out to some caves and she threw up before breakfast. So although these instances aren't happening every week, to me as an emetophobe, it's happening more times than I am comfortable with and I really need her to learn how to release her excitement in other ways.
As a result, my anxiety has been and is at an all time high and I find myself constantly searching for signs that she is going to be sick or trying to control everything so that she isn't. I don't want to stop doing exciting things but I also don't want to have to cope with a vomiting child.
I turned to meditation, as I sometimes do, and I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for. I wanted a guided meditation for people who are parents who sometimes feel that parenting is overwhelming and need to pause the world and step off for a moment.
I wrote a story, for myself really, about how it is hard being a parent and that it's okay to admit that you sometimes want a break from being one. The writing process was very cathartic for me and I decided to make it available for others who may be feeling the same.
I decided to make it into a guided visual story that parents can go on and, for a few minutes, escape to a different place to gather their thoughts and grab some reassurance. If this sounds like something you or someone you know would benefit from, then please watch the video on my Rest & Recharge channel on YouTube.